Reflections on Covid (Part 1)

 (This entry kept growing and growing so I decided to divide it into thoughts about personal experiences and then an entry on communal experiences)

Since I am got the second dose of the vaccine yesterday (well, it was yesterday when I started writing this. Now it's two weeks later), I thought it would be a good time to stop, reflect, and share my thoughts on the year plus of Covid-19 as a SAHD, starting in late February of 2020 until now:

 “It probably won’t be too bad…. fuck, I was wrong. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK, shit, shit, shit, Of course the numbers are low now, do you not understand exponential growth?!?! Crap, crap, crap, fuck. Hold on Isaac, I’m teaching online right now. Fuck, fuck, fuck, Wear a damn mask!  Fucking fuck damn, At least it’s warm so we can go outside, but this virus is just not going away. Shit, shit, shit ARG, I don’t know if we should do online or in-person learning for Isaac! Fuck, oh fuck, just let it go away, crap Benjamin was exposed and is now needs to be quarantined, shit…fuck…Oh, Merry Christmas and yay vaccines! Fuck….shit….ugh so damn cold…shhhhit….fuuuuck…I’m so exhausted…dammit….fuuuuck. I don’t know what to do. Craaaaap… Someone just take these kids. I love them, but I’m sick of them… fuuuuuck….shhhhhit….

 

“Fuck.”

 

Yeah, that’s about right.  But in all honesty, I learned a lot about myself, my needs, about other people, about scientific literacy, and how almost anything is politicized.

 So, I’m an introvert. At the beginning of this whole thing, I remember a post asking who the 2 week quarantine was rougher on, the extroverts or the introverts stuck at home with them?  I laughed, maybe a bit derisively because living with another introvert, it wasn’t bad at all.  But as time has gone on, I’ve realized I need interaction with other people. Too often I think of things in black and white, when most things are a continuum. While I need alone time to recharge, I started to miss interactions with people, especially after my classes ended. I have become very isolated and with small children, it’s harder to do things like online gaming that I previously would have done to be social. Not only that, I’ve found my social skills have diminished; just yesterday I was talking with some other parents at the park when it was time to go.  We said good-bye, and they complemented how cute my kids were. (I mean, have you seen my kids? Who could blame the parents for saying how cute they are?!?)
It was about 5 seconds later when I remembered, “Oh crap, I should complement theirs as well!”  And I turned back and stuttered something about appreciating how well their kids played with mine.  So, I’m in an interesting place of longing to make new social contacts in a state I moved to less than a year before Covid hit and being out of practice.  On the bright side, something tells me I’m not the only one.

“I love you, but I think we should see other people.” That is what I want to tell my kids. I love them, they really have been great through all of this. But I can only deal with so many stories about Roblox or Paw Patrol. There is only so many meals, which the kids don’t eat, that I can make. There is only so many times I can break up fights between Benjamin and Margaret (don’t let her cuteness fool you, Maggie starts like 90% of them).  At several job interviews, I’ve joked that it’s wonderful to get out of the house and have fairly long conversations with other adults. But on the serious side, I have definitely missed chatting with coworkers or going out for a game night. In addition, many of the activities that I would do with the kids and meet other parents: story time at the library, music class, open gym at the YMCA, etc are canceled. I hadn’t realized how much I needed to just get out and see other families. Heck, Covid changed things like taking the littles to Isaac’s karate or getting everyone out of the house for a Target run so Anne can rest during the weekend. I’ve purposely tried to limit exposure and that has made it much harder to “multitask” taking care of the kids and getting errands done. Especially during the winter months, we were locked inside without anything to do, like the beginning of The Cat in the Hat. That’s not completely true, there are numerous activities that we can make for our kids…but that requires time, planning, energy and dammit I tired just thinking about it. There is a well-known positive feedback loop in depression where becoming depressed makes it harder to do things like exercise, make nutritious food, etc. which in turn makes you more depressed. I found myself in a similar feedback loop where I was exhausted from kids, which meant I didn’t do any planning of specific activities, which meant they were all over me, which meant I was even more exhausted, which meant I didn’t plan,

which meant… well you get the point. So we turned to screens to entertain them and get some time of peace.  As another dad said, “There are two types of parents. Those who have given up trying to restrict screen time and liars.” So any parents reading this should forgive themselves every time they have plopped their kids in front of the TV or handed them a tablet and said, “Just give me 30 minutes alone…please!” Moving forward, I won’t take those community supports for granted…and if anyone knows how to get that damn “Paw Patrol” song out of your head, let me know. 

Medical and mental health professions have been hit hard with burnout this last year, which I witnessed second hand. Another group that has had struggles is parents and SAHPs in particular. When I was still teaching during the early days of Covid, it was damn near impossible to juggle kids and lessons/grading/planning/etc. But after that stopped, I became even more untethered without even that little bit of scheduling. I was in “Groundhog Day” where every day was the same: surrounded by the same little people, trying to be supportive of my wife suffering from overwork herself, unable to think of what to do. There is a group of mental functions that control things like memory, flexible thinking, self-control, and planning.  Unfortunately for me, depression, autism, and ADHD all adversely affect executive function, so my executive function is constantly in danger of being overwhelmed even in the best of times (I’m sorry for leaving the cabinet doors open, Anne! It’s not my fault, the poor little EF guy in my head just remember it!). Now, there was little external order, and the result is my parenting suffered.  I definitely became more short tempered with my kids. I was often uninterested in playing with them. It was all I could do to make feed them, make sure they are all in one piece, and make it to bedtime. And the next day, guess what? I get to do it all over again!

Luckily, I was able to access support and get my meds changed, start video therapy with a psychologist I had seen in Illinois, and lean on my in-laws some.  I am unquestionably lucky in these regards and I shudder to think what would happen if those supports weren’t there, but this has still been an incredibly difficult year for me.

In spite of the difficulties, I feel more and more optimistic as we get closer and closer to normal.  Vaccines are still looking good and should be approved for my kids in the early fall, numbers are continuing to decrease both nationally and locally. Even more importantly, my kids are still (relatively) happy, we’re taking time to relax more as a family, the house is still standing, and (most incredibly) I have a hot date tonight, something we haven’t done in over a year.  For everyone who still feels like they are barely staying afloat, keep on swimming, grab as much support as you can.  Hopefully, this has made us more aware of mental health issues and how they can affect us. Hopefully, we will demand others take our problems seriously even though they are often invisible.  I know I have become even more aware of how issues affect my family and me, and will work on increasing the supports that everyone can get.